Wanpis

Being single is a-cultural.

When I travelled in Italy, I was forever being asked if I was ‘da solo’ (alone) and where my ragazzo (boyfriend) was. That I was single and content to travel alone seemed hard for people to accept.

When I was in India, people did not see me as alone, as I was with my sister and her partner. People would stop us in the street to express their delight at seeing sisters together (Meanwhile, some of our ‘Western’ friends would ask us how we knew each other…).

In Australia I constantly find myself fighting assumptions that come with being single. One assumption is that I must be sleeping with someone, as some people cannot comprehend voluntary celibacy. Another assumption is that if I am not sleeping with someone, I must be a-sexual. No, I am definitely attracted to men, but I have chosen to follow a particular path and practice the self control to do so. Other times the assumption is that I must be a closet lesbian. Once again, No. My ‘lifestyle choice’ is to be celibate unless I enter into a lifelong monogamous relationship with a man.

Another assumption is that marriage is the be all and end all of life satisfaction, even though most married couples would dispute that. This assumption comes out in phrases such as ‘on the shelf’ or ‘spinster’ versus being ‘settled’. When a friend was unexpectedly pregnant, many people commented on how good it was to see her ‘settled at last’. As much as she loves her child, I doubt she saw it that way at the time, and she is still making plans to wander the world, but now they are family sized plans.

Here in PNG the assumptions are different. I am ‘wan pis’* and in villages get asked if I spend my life ‘sindaun nating’* I then go into a lengthy discussion of how not being married means I have to do everything as I do not share the work with someone else. I also try to explain that if I were married with children, it would be very difficult to do the work I do, such as being with them in the village running workshops. What helps me is that in every region there are some long standing single translator women who are known and respected. More often than not, the conversation finishes with ‘…like Robin/Karan/Tuula’. I am happy to be compared with women I admire and respect!

The four single women on my orientation course.

I am surrounded by amazing single women**, both nationals and ex-pats, who put their all into life. They are not sitting on the sidelines waiting for Prince Charming to sweep them off their feet…although most (myself included) wouldn’t object if that happened! They are not missing out, but filling life with good things. Sure, life would be good in different ways if they were married, but they focus on what they do have instead. They do not hate children, but are usually ‘Auntie’ to at least one other family who lives and works here.

Yes, being single has its hard days, when I wish there was someone with whom I could share life for the long term. I form many wonderful friendships, but live with the fact that my friends will move away and change as we each go our different ways. It can be hard to keep making more friends who you know will leave, but the pain of loss is preferable to that of loneliness.

Being single also has its wonderful days, when it means I am free to go to regions to work. If I had a husband or family, so much would have to change in what I did and how. Not a bad thing, just very different. Being single means I can invest myself as an Auntie in a way I could not otherwise. It means flying home to see the family is a whole lot cheaper than it is for a clan.

Some days I envy my married friends. Other days I look at all they deal with in a day and wonder how they can still be such lovely people. I am single and satisfied, but tired of defending my status.

*Wan pis: one piece, single, alone, but it could also mean one fish…gotta love Tok Pisin!

Sindaun nating: sit-down nothing, to do nothing with your life, to laze around, to live off others.

** We have approximately 50 single women and 5 single guys in the Branch… but this post is about the women.